Dear Asake,
Let me get by literary colorations tonight for your experiences weigh on me literally. Let my heart speak freely. Asake, there are many ways God intends to teach you endurance and longsuffering; being emotionally spent over an undefined relationship isn’t one of them. Don’t fall for those religious gimmicks that seek for space to “re-confirm” what bro heard from God. Ajani has had his full and patterns created make the whole excuses suspicious. It is ten months now and I am wondering if it takes that long for a father to speak to his son.
What is your fear? Life without him isn’t unimaginable, time has often revealed that to always be true.
I understand your frustrations about brothers. And somehow, we need to get this truth across to one another. If you have no intention, don’t be careless with space and words.
First, it was Alabi. His canopy ministry was so self-serving that he enjoyed the privileges of a lover at the expense of your emotional commitment. And because you were reluctant to define what you shared, he walked away unscratched. We were picking up your pieces thereafter. Then came Alade. He was so nice to you, reveled at your obvious show of affection, ate your food, enjoyed domestic privileges, spewed nice lines of poetry; but only remembered you were “sister Asake” the day he broke the news of his engagement to you.
Then Ajani came.
He came with all the relished swags. He fitted the spiritual frame and ticked the social boxes. Then the brother who did all to get you to say Yes, changed few months into the relationship. He wants a testing spree. He loves sex. That was the first dangerous sign. Bro? Loves sex? Hey, I look forward to sex too. Often times, I hear married believers say it is overrated, well, I’d wait to confirm for myself. So, while we wait, we know as believers that boundaries should be defined in a relationship and one person should be able to call the other person to order when things want to start happening (a friend taught me that). But hormonal permutations doesn’t recognize whether you are born again or not. It only, always, seek to find out if you are still human. And to you, virginity is perhaps more important than sexual purity. Religious boundaries are set for sex, but those other orisisiri is passe passe. But know this, that the body is meant to be lived in honour of its owner – in ALL forms.
So what was the issue? The drama that began. Then Envy. Strife. Gender belittling. Physical assault. And yet again, body testing. When you won’t, bro Ajani will not speak to you for many weeks but won’t break up. At the last attempt to get things right, he wants to pray again. And then you write to me. You are tired. You had gone to see Daddy G.O. Daddy asked you to hold on, to be patient, that this is a test of your faith. He wants you to remember you are already thirty and men are hard to come by at your age. He says, if you are too fast to end this, you’d end fast. I say, No. No. End this fast. No shaking.
What do you have to lose? Take the leap. It doesn’t make you less human. If your man is reluctant to make that call, to massage his ego; if he is reluctant, so he could make the breakup narrative your own making; if you are also trying to prove a point by not giving him that pleasure, you are on your own in your lonesome foolishness.
Closure is bae. Embrace it for the sake of clarity and your emotional sanity.