Did you go through a particular issue with your parents while growing up and you resolved that you won’t allow it happen to your own children? Experience they say is the best teacher. While that might be true, parenting is one experience that demands we ‘learn on the job’ daily.
I have been married for over a decade and I discovered that spending the rest of your life with the love of your life is one thing but raising children is another ball game entirely. It was easy back then to criticize my parents until I had to wear parenting shoes years later; I discovered that raising children is quite a herculean task.
I was raised by a strict but loving mother (after the demise of my dad) who wanted the best for her children. Sometimes she would sit me down to talk sense into my head but most times she gave me serious spanking. I got punished for the wrong reasons because she didn’t bother to listen to my side of the story. I also remember when she imposed science subjects on me in school. I never liked sciences and I ended up being frustrated. I was placed in a social science class but had to write full science subjects in my external exams. When I flunked twice and with the intervention of a family friend, she eventually let me be. I resolved I wasn’t going to use the same style of parenting. It was easy for me to judge then but by the time I became a parent, I discovered that it takes more than birthing children to be a parent.
Being a parent gives us authority over our children. We have the right to make rules, take decisions on their behalf, reward obedience and administer punishment for disobedience. We are also saddled with the responsibility of providing for their basic needs such as food, clothing, shelter, physical and psychological protection and so on. You will agree with me that real parenting is a big commitment towards our children.
The following should be considered when exercising our parental authority.
- Parents need to take responsibility for the upkeep of their wards regardless of tight schedules. It is pathetic that some have lost sight of their responsibilities to their children and as such, the society is threatened with social anarchy and confusion. Some have gone ahead to pursue money at the expense of their children, delegating their roles to the likes of nannies, helps, teachers and others. This shift is unhealthy for the family and the society because of its adverse effect on the children. As parents, we should know that the right to make decisions and train our wards lies solely in our hands.
- Another thing I learnt is in the area of decision making and being flexible. Though I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to impose anything on my children, it’s easier said than done. There are times I forced my daughter to eat beans which she disliked. I later discovered that when she got back to school, she would skip that meal or trade it for a snack. As parents, we should be flexible and be ready to put them into consideration. Failure to do this will yield resistance from them or make them miserable where they can’t resist. I remember how I felt when science subjects were imposed on me so I can imagine some children’s frustration when their parents impose choices on them.
- In addition, we should exercise caution in our parenting style. Some parents were too strict and as such raised children whose actions were initiated by fear. Such children obey rules because they were afraid of being punished. When their parents are not within reach, they break the rules and most times develop non-detection techniques to cover up their tracks. On the other hand, being too liberal or over indulgent with them is not the best approach either. I have seen children raised under such conditions turn out to be lazy, uncontrollable and irresponsible.
- We should strive to teach our children to differentiate between right and wrong through the power of ‘reasoning.’ I once told my eight year old not to watch TV else I would spank him. Immediately I left, he switched on the TV and lowered the volume so he wouldn’t be detected. When I discovered, I switched off the TV and punished him. My approach that day isn’t the best because I should have explained to him the consequences of watching TV while preparing for exams. I don’t want to raise children who can’t do the right thing when I’m not present. Therefore, it is expedient to teach them to identify wrong and right decisions and the consequences for making the wrong choice.
- While adopting the ‘reasoning’ method, we should note that where necessary, punishment should be administered. Due diligence should also be considered before administering punishment so we don’t punish our children unjustly. Also, we should apologize when the need arises. By so doing, we teach them that though they make mistakes, they should learn to take responsibility and apologize.
Our society needs reformation, which can mainly begin from the home. Therefore, as parents, we should not neglect our responsibilities. We should also exercise caution while utilizing our rights over them so we will be able to exert positive influence on their conduct and attitude.