If only I knew

Hello fellow PWs (Pastor’s wives), for the purposes of this write-up I will call myself Kendra but of course it isn’t my real name.

I have been following the articles on this page and I see that the women who write here have been as real as it is possible to be, and this is the inspiration I have received to finally come out and tell my story.

I got married eight years ago to Dayo, the Pastor in charge of the Youth church of my denomination. I had just started work with a bank after my youth service. I wasn’t too young to marry but I cannot say I was ready. Anyhow, it was an honor I thought, for God to give me His son to marry, I was elated and Dayo wasn’t in anyway bad to look at.

I didn’t know too much about him as my denomination was very strict about courtship rules, what was allowed and what wasn’t! However, I do remember that my Pastor told me that I couldn’t have asked for a better man than Dayo, most of the women in church, married and unmarried didn’t stop telling me how lucky I was. If only I knew…

Within a few months, especially since my parents were well to do and could write off the wedding bill, get us a duplex and throw a car into the mix, we got married. I still didn’t know what I was getting into.

We were given a honeymoon holiday gift by the church to travel to Dubai and spend two weeks, I was in heaven!!! But I remember that before we left for that trip, my Pastor kept having late night meetings with Dayo, and even though I didn’t understand fully what was happening, I remember that I was uneasy each time Dayo had to go out so late!

Eventually we left on the trip and I enjoyed every bit of it, we got back and off to work I went. Dayo, by the way is in full time ministry, so I would leave for work while he still slept and get back home just as he was preparing to leave for church. I never realized that my husband was lazy! Until I will get home and find everything messed up, waiting for me to deal with after a long hard day at work.

This was the beginning of the trauma, each time I complained, my Pastor husband will tell me that is why I am a woman and that I should deal with it! I didn’t know what to do, but I kept bearing and kept pretending all was well.

One day the argument was more heated than usual, and Dayo hit me!!! I ran to my Pastor’s house, and what I heard shocked me! Rather than reprimand my husband for hitting me, the head Pastor told me I deserved it! In fact in his book all women deserve to be put in their place was what he told me! I found out he has been hitting on his own wife for years and practically all his Pastors beat their wives.

The women kept telling me, for the sake of the gospel, I shouldn’t tell anyone, because if the congregation got to hear, it will affect the work of God!

I graduated from a very happy, outgoing young woman to a timid, pretentious liar, because I have to protect my husband’s reputation!

It went on until I found out that those nightly meetings were held to teach the clergy of my denomination ‘female domination’ as they called it. As I watched, I realized that they all picked women who had great jobs and earning power to marry, these women pick the bills like I do, and are beaten into subjection, while being intimidated into thinking they owed it to God not to say a thing.

I decided to speak up, and in the process my marriage has fallen apart. The thing is I do not believe in divorce and I love my husband, but what I see here is a wicked plan by a man, who has refused to work on his weaknesses, to recruit other men like him and keep women in bondage.

My issue is how does my submitting to this kind of treatment make God’s word worth while? When is it okay for the Pastor’s wife to speak up? And when should she remain quiet? What actions adversely affect the work, and at what cost is she meant to keep the work going?

I haven’t filled for divorce but eight years of my life without anything to show for it is a long time. If really these men are serving God, how do we get them to see the folly of their ways, and how can I save my marriage?

Responses will be appreciated. God bless you.