Re-appraising This Thing Called “Marriage”


In wanting to have a successful marriage, I wanted to “crack” the “marriage code”, understand what makes it tick, ask the hard questions and get answers. Now, I am still on this journey, learning truckloads of stuff as I go, but I will like to share with you some lessons learnt on my journey.

First of all, I realized early on that most marriages are filled with activities that are “meant to be done” – sex, budgeting, prayer, schedules, belonging to a denomination or congregation, etc – but only a few can clearly tell you the unique purpose of their marriage. We often think of marriage in terms of the activities it entails as we intertwine our lives with someone, but hardly think of the real “WHY” behind the union. The result is many do not know what they are to look for in a partner, married couples get bored quickly as they go through the motion and divorce is at an all-time high.

So what exactly is the main reason for marriage: Kids? Hormones?  Sex?  Social pressure? Companionship?

The reason for marriage is for the BUILDING, RETENTION and REPLICATION of the unique PURPOSE

God created you to achieve – and that larger purpose is an UNFOLDING objective, a destiny and destination that is to be discovered by your team; your family. The Kennedys, Carnegies, Rockefellers are families GEARED to the achievement of specific goals including politics and wealth creation. However, if one is to look at scripture, ABRAHAM models a very strong family that was steered for the accomplishment of very clear objectives:

1. The Worship of God (Yahweh) and passing this down his lineage.

2. The enrichment of the family and passing this wealth and know-how down his lineage.

3. Strengthening and retention of the family name; He and his trained servants defeated four kings in combat.

With this in mind, one quickly realizes the “Family Altar” goes beyond “praying together” to developing a sound & authentic relationship geared towards fulfilment of purpose that is larger than each member of the family as they embrace their diverse but complementary roles…

The man comes first in creation, is the head of the home, is NOT superior to the woman and may tend toward passivity in taking certain critical actions.

For a man to truly lead his home, it appears that he must embrace a willingness to die for his wife and home, because to come to a place where one is willing to die for someone or something, devotion, love and dedication is required. It is from this place of the willingness to die that he gains great authority, not in his possession of the male sex organ. It is also from this position he can speak to his wife and she will be less prone to resisting because love is something that is more sensed than seen – and it evokes a positive response from most creatures.

The woman is a loaded gun. Wise men understand this quickly and expand in order not to feel threatened by her bloom. At full bloom, she is a multi-tasker; friend, lover, sexpert, adviser, mother, teacher – but she can destroy when warped. She is a gun that should point AWAY from the man; hence he needs to ensure she is happy by his side. However, the picture of an ideal wife, as seen in “the Proverbs 31 woman”, fits into a larger framework. If the husband has not communicated a clear and strong objective/purpose, which has come from God, as well as a willingness to be a SACRIFICIAL leader, the other members of the team will have a foggy sense of purpose and will feel scattered or used – not because their activities are not worthwhile, but because they don’t see how it fits into the larger framework: The central objective of their family.

In my personal walk, I find God is doing more of an integration of the parts of my life I had compartmentalised–into ONE life, one sphere that he will be Lord over.

My son is to seat at business meetings, while my wife and I discuss her business plans and come up with action points for every team member. If the maid leaves, I bathe and bond with my son, while my wife cooks a meal for us all – then we take turns praying in the morning before each team member goes out to gather resource, networks and experiences that will enrich our team – under God.

So, what’s the purpose of your marriage and your team’s objective(s) as you fulfil destiny?


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